even when you have 39 degrees fever
u still go to work.
after the shoot finishes you wanna go home but
you have too many god damn friends who are around
so im waiting at corso como looking at high high alaia shoes
and saw this beautiful ninna ricci fur coat and having tacky desires for
pucci print padded jacket
and also at the same time surprised at how im taking interest in furnitures
and lamps now (scared at the development)
and even convinced myself to stop buying fur coats and start buying furniture
then i saw myself
my life
is so god damn
predictable
its disgusting
its like some kind of fate you can not change
some kind of high high desire to not be alone
since child, high desires for beautiful things were strong
desire to be isolated was so strong (or i had no choice than to be isolated)
desire to be good looking was so strong.
as i run into my good old friend im happy at even when we didnt see each other for like 6 months
i can straight out vent about how my life is so predictable
as he understands
totally.
still with my fever i decided to just not work in the afternoon and go home
theres traffic everywhere
as i get on the highway, speeding, i feel that seoul is beautiful.
i should be happy
i should shine today. and i should be rested.
it shouldn’t be that difficult, be a darling, smile , enjoy, i tell myself i will be fine.
this is what i do best.
freedom comes with such cost.
but is it even freedom?
one could get numb living like this. pretty things. comfort. vanity. decadent nights to make up for losses.
but this endless loneliness
there must be something wrong from the core.
i worry as i take the courage to sleep
